Thursday, January 21, 2010

Life made the most sense, when there was no sense to be made.

Life made the most sense when there was no sense to be made. That came to mind, as I was thinking about the one or two periods in my life when I did not think about "why". As a kid we ask why but it is not the all encompassing "why" i.e. why am I here? I think kids are asking, why are you here? Or why is that or this here? At some point something happens and you start to wonder "why".

I went through this real heavy as a teen, my Dads drinking and his flip flopping on his sexuality as I was coming in to puberty. A rumor at school that gave me daily teasing and intimidation for most of eighth grade, all gave "why" life in my mind. In ninth grade things changed a bit, I started to get more involved with riding bikes(bmx), punk rock and girls. My biggest concern in life was learning a Miami Hopper, going to the "Bowl" to learn 360's or going to a Punk show. I gained some new friends that year, one of which stood up for me, Mike. I really needed that at the time. Mike, Jerry, Greg and I would ride for hours after school.  Go to shows at Bogart's, the Building Lounge or the Electrician Hall. This became life from 15 to 21 the cast of characters whom I rode with and went to shows with changed as people dropped out and moved on. The "why" was but an echo in the far back reaches of my mind. Mostly when I got home and shit was crazy there.

Things changed in my life I was engaged for a year, that did not work out. I amassed a little debt so I started working 40+ to catch up, but; it just got worse. Biking and shows were still there, but; it was definitely much lower  on the ladder.

 In 1994 I got hired at Emery things picked up a bit, it was my first good job. I was there for about 18 months when I found out I had to have back surgery, that was a big "why" year. A close friend, my Grandpa and father died. I got in a fist fight with my Dad right before he passed. About a week later, on some self destructive rampage I totaled my motorcycle right before I was scheduled for surgery. My friends, namely Solly put up with my self loathing bullshit more than anyone and still stuck around ( a brave soul).

After my surgery for my wreck than the surgery for my back, I felt pretty good about life and amazingly the "why" slowly receded to the back of my mind. Work was good, I started working out to rehabilitate from the back surgery that was going real well. I was genuinely happy, I believe the two things that coincided where I had no wants, and I had no worries. The occasional girl trouble, but; over all pretty damn good. Than in 2000 My job started having problems the company made a bad deal with the U.S. Post Office and came up snake eyes. The company fell apart and the morale went with it. This job for many of was as good as it gets. We earned a decent wage, we got along with the managers more or less and we were treated with respect. All of that changed and slowly decayed to the point of pure entropy. I was just sad, so nine years to the day I said to hell with it and quit.

The "why" had come back and has not left, it has been here in varying degrees, but; still flutters around in my mind. I believe it does in most peoples minds. Their "why" may be a slightly different question, but; it is still there flitting about like a butterfly. It does not drive me to self loathing since I have made peace with it. Why I believe is how we survive, with out it we would just lapse into a sad apathetic state.  Will everything make sense as it did before the loss of innocence, no. Getting the "why" to be but a ghost in the back my mind is a state acceptable to that. Why I am here really does not matter, where I go after wards does not either. What matters is what I do while I am alive and breathing.